Tuesday, August 16, 2011

It's heartache that keeps me up at night

Do you know what it is like having your head and your heart fighting?
Ever felt turned inside out, head over heels, torn from head to toe?
Choices, decisions, possibilities to be made, to be thought about, to be considered.

Black, white.
Dark, light. 
Easy, hard.
Safe, insecure.
Head, and heart... 

What is it that I want? And, even more important, is what I want the same thing as what is good for me? Or could that be something entirely different? I'm not sure if I know what is good for me, but if I don't know it, who would know?
Could there be a chance that it was...you?

"All I want is you."
But... are you really all I want? Or is there something more?

My heart says it's all. My head says it can't be all, there has to be more. 
It's like my head and my heart are arguing in languages I don't understand completely, languages which are foreign to me.
My head says I should let go, that it's better to let it be as it is now, that it would be stupid to do something with these feelings you give me. I barely know what I'm feeling and for whom exactly these feelings are.
It wouldn't be smart to listen to these feelings for someone of whom I'm not even sure that I know this person.
But... My heart says that that is what I want to do the most, that I want to be with you, that I want to get to know you if I don't already do so.

Whoever said that love is sweet, must have fallen in love easily at the age of thirteen with the girl of his dreams and been together from then on.
Love, which is, according the me, the most powerful and most important thing on Earth, brings people up high and all down below again.
But just imagine how perfect it would be: Falling in love, sharing that love, and then a happily ever after.
Too bad things almost never are perfect...

If there would be a solution in hiding, I would leave immediately to a place no one could ever find me. Being all alone might even be better than being with anyone. At least it would mean that I didn't have to think about all these circumstances which are hunting me...
I'd know where to go. There are some places which are drenched with my happiness. I'd run to one of these places, but would it be the same as it was last time? When I was there with you?

I don't want to hurt anyone, but what if that would hurt me? Should I put my own happiness over someone else's? Wouldn't that be selfish?
Then again, a heart always is selfish enough to make it's own choices. So is love.

I've made my decision, I know what to do. It only has to be arranged.
It might take some time, and all I do, is asking for that time and some patience.
You don't have the faintest idea of what is going on. Neither have you.

I just hope to get it all clear as soon as possible, and that my head and my heart can find some peace again.
I need some help, some understandig.
If there's no one to incite feelings anymore, does that mean these feelings aren't there anymore?
I hope that I will find out. I have to.

So here's the plan: I'll do what I have to do to figure it all out, to get it clear.  My heart will be sealed as long as possible.  
Show me if you still are able to unwrap it and I'm yours, even if that wouldn't be the best thing to do.
And if you can't unwrap it, there always is more. I'll find my way through it.

If anyone gets hurt, please know it has never been my intention.
But I think that this time, I just have to do what I want, what I feel is right. I'll have to leave my heart at home as I go discovering the unknown to make it known.

My dearest reader, please help me if you can. 
And if you can't, please learn something of my story. 
I can't turn it back, but you might be able to prevent things like this.
Oh, how my aching heart longs for something it can't have...

With love,

You bring me right back down to the earth from the promised land.
We’re getting close to the centre of the earth with an honest plan.
You’ll never be your mother or your father do you understand?
Do you understand?

Why don’t you teach your heart to feel?
And give you love love,
Give you love love,
Give it all away.
Why don’t you teach your heart to talk?
And give you love love,
Give you love love,
Give me give me what I need/
- Take That - 


Rapuncela said...

my heart is lying on this bed!!

ellie's desk said...

Such a heartfelt post. Take one day at a time. Stay creative!

ivy's closet said...

Wishing you always the best. I have faith in you!