Wednesday, August 24, 2011

There's something I got to say...

It's not much, but I felt like I should get it said anyway...

I really appreciate people taking time to read my stories, which sometimes are two hundred pages or more.
My thoughts, which sometimes are insane, blurry, change all the time.
My attemps to poetry, in which I can express my feelings, sometimes not even clear to myself.

I try, but still I'll never be a modern Shakespeare, Byron, Goethe, Voltaire or García Lorca, some of my favorite writers, but maybe, just maybe, I could give the world something new, something different. Something light-hearted and lovely, something happy, drenched in fairytales of love and desire, with rough and sad edges, hopeless and desperate influences.
Nothing is better for a writer's soul than a heavy storm, a true love's feeling, and eventually, a broken heart.

I've always written for myself, to make things clear, and I still love doing so. It always gives me the opportunity to think things over, and other people understanding what I mean, or even liking what I write, is such a beautiful thing to me.
It's really supportive, and I just wanted to say thanks for that.

With love,

Dear Sir or Madam will you read my book,
It took me years to write it, will you take a look?
It's based on a novel by a man named Lear
And I need a job so I want to be a paperback writer.

- The Beatles -

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

It's heartache that keeps me up at night

Do you know what it is like having your head and your heart fighting?
Ever felt turned inside out, head over heels, torn from head to toe?
Choices, decisions, possibilities to be made, to be thought about, to be considered.

Black, white.
Dark, light. 
Easy, hard.
Safe, insecure.
Head, and heart... 

What is it that I want? And, even more important, is what I want the same thing as what is good for me? Or could that be something entirely different? I'm not sure if I know what is good for me, but if I don't know it, who would know?
Could there be a chance that it

"All I want is you."
But... are you really all I want? Or is there something more?

My heart says it's all. My head says it can't be all, there has to be more. 
It's like my head and my heart are arguing in languages I don't understand completely, languages which are foreign to me.
My head says I should let go, that it's better to let it be as it is now, that it would be stupid to do something with these feelings you give me. I barely know what I'm feeling and for whom exactly these feelings are.
It wouldn't be smart to listen to these feelings for someone of whom I'm not even sure that I know this person.
But... My heart says that that is what I want to do the most, that I want to be with you, that I want to get to know you if I don't already do so.

Whoever said that love is sweet, must have fallen in love easily at the age of thirteen with the girl of his dreams and been together from then on.
Love, which is, according the me, the most powerful and most important thing on Earth, brings people up high and all down below again.
But just imagine how perfect it would be: Falling in love, sharing that love, and then a happily ever after.
Too bad things almost never are perfect...

If there would be a solution in hiding, I would leave immediately to a place no one could ever find me. Being all alone might even be better than being with anyone. At least it would mean that I didn't have to think about all these circumstances which are hunting me...
I'd know where to go. There are some places which are drenched with my happiness. I'd run to one of these places, but would it be the same as it was last time? When I was there with you?

I don't want to hurt anyone, but what if that would hurt me? Should I put my own happiness over someone else's? Wouldn't that be selfish?
Then again, a heart always is selfish enough to make it's own choices. So is love.

I've made my decision, I know what to do. It only has to be arranged.
It might take some time, and all I do, is asking for that time and some patience.
You don't have the faintest idea of what is going on. Neither have you.

I just hope to get it all clear as soon as possible, and that my head and my heart can find some peace again.
I need some help, some understandig.
If there's no one to incite feelings anymore, does that mean these feelings aren't there anymore?
I hope that I will find out. I have to.

So here's the plan: I'll do what I have to do to figure it all out, to get it clear.  My heart will be sealed as long as possible.  
Show me if you still are able to unwrap it and I'm yours, even if that wouldn't be the best thing to do.
And if you can't unwrap it, there always is more. I'll find my way through it.

If anyone gets hurt, please know it has never been my intention.
But I think that this time, I just have to do what I want, what I feel is right. I'll have to leave my heart at home as I go discovering the unknown to make it known.

My dearest reader, please help me if you can. 
And if you can't, please learn something of my story. 
I can't turn it back, but you might be able to prevent things like this.
Oh, how my aching heart longs for something it can't have...

With love,

You bring me right back down to the earth from the promised land.
We’re getting close to the centre of the earth with an honest plan.
You’ll never be your mother or your father do you understand?
Do you understand?

Why don’t you teach your heart to feel?
And give you love love,
Give you love love,
Give it all away.
Why don’t you teach your heart to talk?
And give you love love,
Give you love love,
Give me give me what I need/
- Take That - 

Monday, August 8, 2011

I can still recall our last Summer

Ich würde euch Blumen schicken
Aber hat das überhaupt noch Zweck?
Ich würde euch gerne noch mal sehen
Aber alle sind ja längst schon weg.

It was an amazing Summer.
I can remember how I felt when I stepped out of the train in Cologne with my suitcase, trying to prevent accidents to happen, and how suprised I was to hear "Hey, you must be Kirsten!" as soon as I got out.
Slightly nervous, little exhausted, very excited.
Relieved I felt, too. Finally being there was good, it meant there was no way back and it meant that it was time to see what was coming and to enjoy the time.

I remember being there and first seeing the others. How we quietly stood there, asking who we were and where we were from. I never imagined that we would become so close.

There was something about this Summer. I never noticed how quick a month can pass, it seems so long.
It felt like just three days ago, that moment when we arrived, and before I knew it, it was time to say goodbye.
It was magical, amazing, wonderful.
I felt good, sunny, happy, and I did a lot of what I love to do: laughing. It was great from the start, and it only got better as we grew closer to each other.

Even though we all were different, it worked perfectly. Our cultures, families, interests and personalities were not the same, but it didn't matter at all.
If you just realise how much you can learn from other people...
I really learned a lot these past four weeks. There were the facts, school-like things to know, about the places we visited, history and stories.
But above all, there were ideas, people, cultures, feelings, new friends to get to know. I also found out some new things about myself, which always is a good experience, and therefore, I thank everyone who was with me. I couldn't have done it without you, we were a wonderful combination together.
And now, as we are spread over the entire world again, I think back to the time we spent and hope there are some moments in which you think of me.

It was such a beautiful time. I never realised how things can be pretty in different ways: Rain, darkness, light, sunshine. Eventually, almost everything looks better when the sun shines, but we didn't let the clouds and the rain ruin the mood. Besides, all of you still looked gorgeous with wet hair and raindrops on the face.

I already miss them. Really bad. But somewhere, it's pretty, too. We knew we only had limited time together, and that might have been one of the reasons we grew so close.
We might see each other again, no, we will see each other again. Maybe it won't be all of us, maybe it will, but I'm sure we are going to spend some more time together. I've gotten way too used to all of them to let them go right now.

How I wished I had the time, the money and the opportunity to see all of you again next week. 
I could wait a month, a year, two years, maybe even more, if I only knew when I'd see you again. 
Not knowing makes me feel out of control, an utterly unpleasant feeling.

Maybe I should start planning my journey to visit all of them... Who will be first?
Netherlands, Germany, Iceland, Paraguay, Lithuania, France, UK? 
All of them? A new trip back to where we started? Four new weeks?
Seems fine to me...

With love,

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed.
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone, and some remain. 
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall.
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I loved them all.
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things, that went before.
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I loved you more.

- The Beatles -

Monday, August 1, 2011

Liebe ist Leben

My dearest reader,

Once again, my apologies for my absence, but as I said before, I'm incredibly busy. We're running around all day long, visiting things, having fun, and in the evenings, pajama-parties are common, so usually we're just glad to take a nice, hot shower and fall asleep...

We're having the greatest time here.
I wondered before I went, would it be better than my last Summer, which I spent in incredibly beautiful Peru?
I think I do have to say that it's not exactly better, but just as good in a very different way. Germany definitely is not South-America, and we do totally different things here. It's not a comparison. 
Nevertheless, it's wonderful to be here and spend time with great people from all over the world. Amazing.

Meet the best new people. We're Gruppe Fang 22, named after Catch 22, and aren't we the loveliest? We al are different, but that's okay, we learn a lot from each other and it works.

I have made the greatest new friends. It's incredible how fast we grew close, how some of them have changed from silent and shy to amazingly funny and wonderful friends. I'm going to miss them...

It's just that we are together all the time, for almost four weeks now. You get used to having all of them around you all the time, and Friday, it will be over.
I. Don't. Want. To. Go. Home!
Nevertheless, I have to. We all have to go home by the end of the week, but we don't talk about it if we don't have to.
Who knows when, where and if we will ever see each other again?

It's like we can do whatever as long as we are here, and as soon as we get on our plane home, that is over. We've seen and done so many things.
Visited museums, buildings, memorials.
Swam in the evening, went skating on ice, watched over Munich at night, which was so incredibly pretty.
We sleighed down a snowy mountain, threw snowballs at each other and had fun in the snow, in July.
If they told me I could fly, I would almost believe them.
They make me feel like I can, sometimes they really do.

Also, time passes like we're flying...
A day turns into an evening, another night, and then a new morning rises. It's a blur, it's incredible.

For now, I do have some things left to do. Sleeping, for an example. Having sweet dreams, getting some rest. How exhausted having fun can be... 
Tomorrow will be a new day, new impressions. 
Berlin is really interesting, it's like nothing I've ever seen before. Not that I have seen so many big cities, but still, it's visible everywhere. It's cool, there are so many things to see.

I wonder what home will be like again. I miss my family and my friends, I miss the fun we always have together. Then again, it's so wonderful to be here, how could I wish for more? 
I don't think I could.

With love,

Du brauchst die Straßenseite nicht zu wechseln, sobald du und kommen siehst.
Es gibt nichts zu befürchten, wenn du in Ordnung bist.
Falls du das Chaos liebst und auch noch Spaß verstehst,
sollten wir uns ganz kurz vorstellen, vielleicht sind wir die Gang für dich.
Wir sind das Katastrophen-Kommando auf der Suche nach einem Fest.
Falls es heute eins in dieser Stadt gibt, sei dir sicher, wir finden es.
Und wenn du noch nichts vorhast laden wir dich ein
für einen Abend, den du nie vergessen wirst, unser Ehrengast zu sein.
Es ist egal, woher du kommst, ganz egal, wohin du mal gehst.
Bleib heute abend hier, wenn du mit uns feiern willst.
Es ist egal, woher du kommst, ganz egal, wohin du mal gehst.
Laß diese Chance nicht aus, wer weiß, wann wir uns wiedersehen?

- Die Toten Hosen -