If you're broken I will mend you

I've been wondering about luck.
It's a strange thing to think about. You either have it or not, and probably won't spend much thought on it. I didn't, either. I was perfectly happy following the plans I'd made, dancing through life and laughing all the time.
But suddenly things changed.
And admitting things aren't going according to plan, feels like failing. And I never wanted to fail. I never thought I would. 



It's some kind of melancholy that is taking part of me. It is trying to take my smile away. It's hard to fight these black feelings and if I weren't afraid of losing myself, I would give in.
I still know how to be the way I used to be - careless, happy, spontanious. But I don't know how to be that way without hurting others.
And the worst is people saying they are worried about me, saying they only want me to be happy.
I never wanted to hurt anyone...



But at least, the sun is shining.
And I might figure out some other plans to follow.
I'll land on my feet.
No matter what.

With love,
Kirsten

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

- Eagles - 

I would send you post cards

It has been snowing over here.
No, it was not even snow. It was icy drizzle, prickling your cheeks and sticking on your gloves and coat.
The fields were frozen. Dead foxes, dead flowers, a withe layer covering the earth.
I still feel isolated. My fingers are cold. There's ice in my hair.

There only are few places I can go to escape reality.
There is my mind, where everything is fine again.
There are stories, where I can lose myself in.
And there are my dreams, where it is Summer and we dance together...



In my dreams, everything is fine. There's no need to fight, to run, to be strong there. There are no tears, no broken hearted, no troubled minds.
I'm taken to places I remember. Places I've been. I might have seen more from the world than many others have, but still I feel like I haven't seen a thing. There will always be so many places left, you know. You can't travel the entire world, but how much would I love to go and travel, explore...



Places change, but it might be more than just a place changing.
Maybe it's us changing, while the places stay the same. We grow older, we experience, we live, and as we do so, we learn.
I've seen places I immediately loved, places that felt like home, which is great.
But there have been so many beautiful things which I didn't understand well enough to note. And while thinking back, I realise that I couldn't have loved it then, but that I could if I went back now.
That is one of the things traveling is about, I think: Enjoying while there, then thinking back when home and think again later to find yourself seeing it in a different perspective.
I think that would make sense...



Eventually, time will change everything in us: Perspectives, thoughts, persons. But the places still are the same. Cuzco still has Machu Picchu, Rome still has the Colosseum, Berlin still has remains of the Wall.
But how much I've changed and gained since seeing those places... Some of that came with myself realising there was something that needed to change. Some of it came from actually seeing differences and culture. Most of it came with meeting new people and making friends.
And, according to me, that's the most beautiful thing afterwards: Thinking back and not only seeing the post card-like image of the Eiffel Tower, but seeing your own picture, with a friend posing next to it.

With love, Kirsten

Tell everybody I'm on my way
New friends and new places to see
With blue skies ahead, yes I'm on my way
And there's no where else that I'd rather be.

Tell everybody I'm on my way
And I'm loving every step I take
With the sun beating down, yes I'm on my way
And I can't keep this smile off my face.

'Cause there's nothing like seein' each other again
No matter what the distance between
And the stories that we tell will make you smile
Oh, it really lifts my heart

- Phil Collins -

Tides are changing

Some things seem so clear, so easy. They are what they are, a simple creation in its own beauty, nothing special.

Just too bad the things I really want all seem like a complete mess...




Nothing lasts forever, nothing can survive the threat of time passing. An hour, a day, a week, a month, a year... What would they be worth if nothing changed? If today would be like yesterday, and tomorrow is exactly like today, what a life would that be?
It wouldn't be one.

My dreams and hopes have always reached to the sky. They still do so. Would it be easier if my expectations, my dreams, weren't that big?
I don't think it would. For they still haven't come true, it might be better to keep dreaming till the dream does come true.
At least it's easier than reality. There are no limits in my mind, I can do anything there. Time, distance, troubles there might be, they don't matter anymore when I dream. In my dreams, it's just me and you and we laugh...

But still, how do I know if these dreams will come true? Everything changing, but I still don't have the guts to say what's on my mind exactly, or what I feel.

It confuses me so often. I talk about everything to everyone, till they are annoyed by it and tell me to please shut up for five minutes.
But the words I'm in love with you always get stuck on my lips...
What if there's something wrong with me, being not able to take the chance and risk something by using these words? Life is about taking the risk and go for it, I know, but still, I just can't do it.
In my dreams, there isn't such a thing, there's just the understanding, safety, and warmth...



Shadows can't find me when I'm asleep. It's been really long since I've had my last nightmare, a few years. My dreams might not be horrifying, they still can be confusing. What am I dreaming, what am I seeing, what does it mean?

Sometimes, the answer seems so clear, but the moments I wake up feeling confused make my head spin.
Is it strange I sometimes pretend I'm talking to you when I feel like that?



Maybe it's better to let you go. But with you, I'd let go of all my dreams. I might be able to live without you, it's how I'm surviving for a while now. But I know I can't live without my dreams. They're what drags me to boring moments, hard times.
Whenever I'm sad, it's okay to think there will be better times, that everything will be fine. That there will be a moment on which everything falls into place and is clear. That there will be a happy ending, and that one day I might not need to say the words I can't say, but that a simple I feel that way, too will be enough.

And I truly believe that that is true. I have to.

With love,
Kirsten

Träumst du davon, alles zu riskieren?
Träumst du? Ich träume mit!

Fühlst du auch, wie unsere Zeit verrinnt?
Fühlst du? Ich fühle mit!
Weinst du auch, wenn deine Welt zerbricht?
Weinst du? Ich weine mit!
Brauchst du mich, wenn du am Abgrund stehst?
Springst du? Ich halte dich!

Nichts ist für Immer
und für die Ewigkeit.
Nichts ist für Immer,
nur der Moment zählt ganz allein.

http://lyricstranslate.com

Brauchst du mich, bei deinem letzten Schritt?
Ich halte dich...

- Unheilig - 

Nothing is forever... 

http://lyricstranslate.com

There's something I got to say...

It's not much, but I felt like I should get it said anyway...



I really appreciate people taking time to read my stories, which sometimes are two hundred pages or more.
My thoughts, which sometimes are insane, blurry, change all the time.
My attemps to poetry, in which I can express my feelings, sometimes not even clear to myself.

I try, but still I'll never be a modern Shakespeare, Byron, Goethe, Voltaire or García Lorca, some of my favorite writers, but maybe, just maybe, I could give the world something new, something different. Something light-hearted and lovely, something happy, drenched in fairytales of love and desire, with rough and sad edges, hopeless and desperate influences.
Nothing is better for a writer's soul than a heavy storm, a true love's feeling, and eventually, a broken heart.

I've always written for myself, to make things clear, and I still love doing so. It always gives me the opportunity to think things over, and other people understanding what I mean, or even liking what I write, is such a beautiful thing to me.
It's really supportive, and I just wanted to say thanks for that.

With love,
Kirsten

Dear Sir or Madam will you read my book,

It took me years to write it, will you take a look?

It's based on a novel by a man named Lear

And I need a job so I want to be a paperback writer.

- The Beatles -

It's heartache that keeps me up at night

Do you know what it is like having your head and your heart fighting?
Ever felt turned inside out, head over heels, torn from head to toe?
Choices, decisions, possibilities to be made, to be thought about, to be considered.

Black, white.
Dark, light. 
Easy, hard.
Safe, insecure.
Head, and heart... 

What is it that I want? And, even more important, is what I want the same thing as what is good for me? Or could that be something entirely different? I'm not sure if I know what is good for me, but if I don't know it, who would know?
Could there be a chance that it was...you?

"All I want is you."
But... are you really all I want? Or is there something more?

My heart says it's all. My head says it can't be all, there has to be more. 
It's like my head and my heart are arguing in languages I don't understand completely, languages which are foreign to me.
My head says I should let go, that it's better to let it be as it is now, that it would be stupid to do something with these feelings you give me. I barely know what I'm feeling and for whom exactly these feelings are.
It wouldn't be smart to listen to these feelings for someone of whom I'm not even sure that I know this person.
But... My heart says that that is what I want to do the most, that I want to be with you, that I want to get to know you if I don't already do so.

Whoever said that love is sweet, must have fallen in love easily at the age of thirteen with the girl of his dreams and been together from then on.
Love, which is, according the me, the most powerful and most important thing on Earth, brings people up high and all down below again.
But just imagine how perfect it would be: Falling in love, sharing that love, and then a happily ever after.
Too bad things almost never are perfect...

If there would be a solution in hiding, I would leave immediately to a place no one could ever find me. Being all alone might even be better than being with anyone. At least it would mean that I didn't have to think about all these circumstances which are hunting me...
I'd know where to go. There are some places which are drenched with my happiness. I'd run to one of these places, but would it be the same as it was last time? When I was there with you?

I don't want to hurt anyone, but what if that would hurt me? Should I put my own happiness over someone else's? Wouldn't that be selfish?
Then again, a heart always is selfish enough to make it's own choices. So is love.



I've made my decision, I know what to do. It only has to be arranged.
It might take some time, and all I do, is asking for that time and some patience.
You don't have the faintest idea of what is going on. Neither have you.

I just hope to get it all clear as soon as possible, and that my head and my heart can find some peace again.
I need some help, some understandig.
If there's no one to incite feelings anymore, does that mean these feelings aren't there anymore?
I hope that I will find out. I have to.

So here's the plan: I'll do what I have to do to figure it all out, to get it clear.  My heart will be sealed as long as possible.  

Show me if you still are able to unwrap it and I'm yours, even if that wouldn't be the best thing to do.
And if you can't unwrap it, there always is more. I'll find my way through it.

If anyone gets hurt, please know it has never been my intention.
But I think that this time, I just have to do what I want, what I feel is right. I'll have to leave my heart at home as I go discovering the unknown to make it known.

My dearest reader, please help me if you can. 

And if you can't, please learn something of my story. 

I can't turn it back, but you might be able to prevent things like this.
Oh, how my aching heart longs for something it can't have...

With love,
Kirsten

You bring me right back down to the earth from the promised land.
We’re getting close to the centre of the earth with an honest plan.
You’ll never be your mother or your father do you understand?
Do you understand?

Why don’t you teach your heart to feel?
And give you love love,
Give you love love,
Give it all away.
Why don’t you teach your heart to talk?
And give you love love,
Give you love love,
Give me give me what I need/

- Take That -