If you're broken I will mend you

I've been wondering about luck.
It's a strange thing to think about. You either have it or not, and probably won't spend much thought on it. I didn't, either. I was perfectly happy following the plans I'd made, dancing through life and laughing all the time.
But suddenly things changed.
And admitting things aren't going according to plan, feels like failing. And I never wanted to fail. I never thought I would. 



It's some kind of melancholy that is taking part of me. It is trying to take my smile away. It's hard to fight these black feelings and if I weren't afraid of losing myself, I would give in.
I still know how to be the way I used to be - careless, happy, spontanious. But I don't know how to be that way without hurting others.
And the worst is people saying they are worried about me, saying they only want me to be happy.
I never wanted to hurt anyone...



But at least, the sun is shining.
And I might figure out some other plans to follow.
I'll land on my feet.
No matter what.

With love,
Kirsten

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

- Eagles - 

Close-ups.

The opposite of hate is not love.
It is intimacy.
It's being close to someone, something.
It's being able to tell anything without being ashamed.
It's saying what's on your mind.
Above all, it's being yourself. 

If you come closer and look better, you will see so many things you never noticed before
Look at the sea and see the glistening waves.
Look at a friend and notice you share the same thought.
Look into someone's eyes and suddenly they're multi-colored.
Look into someone's soul and feel it's alright.



Details make things worth looking at.
They make you wanna get closer, they make you wanna understand the complexity that hides behind the simple things.
Nothing is perfect, no one is perfect.
But these details, these little things!
Above all, they make things beautiful. 



Sparkles, flowers, patterns. Colors, patches, dots.
These details, once again.
 
Everything we know is built out of parts.
Every little flower has dozens of petals, perfect for plucking: "Love me, love me not, love me, love me not..."
Every person has his own whims, the things that make you one-of-a-kind.
We're all pretty, we shine and sparkle and enlight.



Little surprises are hidden everywhere.
They are there to catch us when we least expect it, and therefore we call them surprises.
Never expect, always be prepared for what might come.
But also let everything come to you. It might wash you over, it might bring you down.
But there will be things that will bring you up again, make you stronger, make it worth it. 

Adore who loves you. Love who adores you.
Laugh with these who make you laugh. Laugh because of yourself.

Accept that it's not always the way you want it to be. Make it that way, then.

Go for it. 

Don't rush, take your time to relax. 

Smell the flowers, the grass, the ocean.

Hold on tight when you found what you've been looking for.

With love,

Kirsten

I know a way to something much better
Hold it inside me
I know a fairytale that 's longer
Than anyone will read
I know a way to something much higher
Keep it inside me
I know the way to touch the sky

Into the light we go, we 're speeding
With all headlights on
I know the glory moment's approaching
This can go so wrong
I know a way to something much higher
Keep it inside me
We 're away from today and this time.

- Sunrise Avenue -  

There's something I got to say...

It's not much, but I felt like I should get it said anyway...



I really appreciate people taking time to read my stories, which sometimes are two hundred pages or more.
My thoughts, which sometimes are insane, blurry, change all the time.
My attemps to poetry, in which I can express my feelings, sometimes not even clear to myself.

I try, but still I'll never be a modern Shakespeare, Byron, Goethe, Voltaire or García Lorca, some of my favorite writers, but maybe, just maybe, I could give the world something new, something different. Something light-hearted and lovely, something happy, drenched in fairytales of love and desire, with rough and sad edges, hopeless and desperate influences.
Nothing is better for a writer's soul than a heavy storm, a true love's feeling, and eventually, a broken heart.

I've always written for myself, to make things clear, and I still love doing so. It always gives me the opportunity to think things over, and other people understanding what I mean, or even liking what I write, is such a beautiful thing to me.
It's really supportive, and I just wanted to say thanks for that.

With love,
Kirsten

Dear Sir or Madam will you read my book,

It took me years to write it, will you take a look?

It's based on a novel by a man named Lear

And I need a job so I want to be a paperback writer.

- The Beatles -

I can still recall our last Summer

Ich würde euch Blumen schicken
Aber hat das überhaupt noch Zweck?
Ich würde euch gerne noch mal sehen
Aber alle sind ja längst schon weg.

It was an amazing Summer.
I can remember how I felt when I stepped out of the train in Cologne with my suitcase, trying to prevent accidents to happen, and how suprised I was to hear "Hey, you must be Kirsten!" as soon as I got out.
Slightly nervous, little exhausted, very excited.
Relieved I felt, too. Finally being there was good, it meant there was no way back and it meant that it was time to see what was coming and to enjoy the time.

I remember being there and first seeing the others. How we quietly stood there, asking who we were and where we were from. I never imagined that we would become so close.

There was something about this Summer. I never noticed how quick a month can pass, it seems so long.
It felt like just three days ago, that moment when we arrived, and before I knew it, it was time to say goodbye.
It was magical, amazing, wonderful.
I felt good, sunny, happy, and I did a lot of what I love to do: laughing. It was great from the start, and it only got better as we grew closer to each other.

Even though we all were different, it worked perfectly. Our cultures, families, interests and personalities were not the same, but it didn't matter at all.
If you just realise how much you can learn from other people...
I really learned a lot these past four weeks. There were the facts, school-like things to know, about the places we visited, history and stories.
But above all, there were ideas, people, cultures, feelings, new friends to get to know. I also found out some new things about myself, which always is a good experience, and therefore, I thank everyone who was with me. I couldn't have done it without you, we were a wonderful combination together.
And now, as we are spread over the entire world again, I think back to the time we spent and hope there are some moments in which you think of me.

It was such a beautiful time. I never realised how things can be pretty in different ways: Rain, darkness, light, sunshine. Eventually, almost everything looks better when the sun shines, but we didn't let the clouds and the rain ruin the mood. Besides, all of you still looked gorgeous with wet hair and raindrops on the face.

I already miss them. Really bad. But somewhere, it's pretty, too. We knew we only had limited time together, and that might have been one of the reasons we grew so close.
We might see each other again, no, we will see each other again. Maybe it won't be all of us, maybe it will, but I'm sure we are going to spend some more time together. I've gotten way too used to all of them to let them go right now.

How I wished I had the time, the money and the opportunity to see all of you again next week. 

I could wait a month, a year, two years, maybe even more, if I only knew when I'd see you again. 

Not knowing makes me feel out of control, an utterly unpleasant feeling.

Maybe I should start planning my journey to visit all of them... Who will be first?
Netherlands, Germany, Iceland, Paraguay, Lithuania, France, UK? 

All of them? A new trip back to where we started? Four new weeks?
Seems fine to me...

With love,
Kirsten

There are places I remember

All my life, though some have changed.
Some forever, not for better

Some have gone, and some remain. 

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall.

Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I loved them all.

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things, that went before.

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life, I loved you more.

- The Beatles -

I wonder

Would it help, could it be

That it's just the right thing to do for me? 

Stars. They are magic. See them falling down the sky, and make a wish, quickly! 

But don't say it out loud...

Would my dreams eventually all come true?

Would it be just as I imaged, the two of us, me, and you..

You can wish most anything. Nothing is impossible, if you just believe in making it work.

Go for it, believe, work, and love.

Could that be my destiny?
Is that the life that belongs to me... 

I think everything happens for a reason. We eventualle get where we belong and where we are happy.

For me, it's whenever I'm with you.

And if we truly belong togother?

Then we'll be, one day, forever...

I think that there is someone perfectly right for you out there. I know there will be.

It might only take some time to meet... 

And if by any chance you'd leave me alone

Would I die, being just on my own?

We're strong. We can handle a lot more than we think we can. Believing it will be right in the end will work.

And eventually, we'll have our happy ending.

I'd go with you, no matter where

We'd have each other, that's all I care.

I do believe in Prince Charming. Not riding a horse, but the feeling is there. 

That's all that counts, you loving the other...

(images from www.weheartit.com)

Attemps to poetry are my own.

And if it comes down in the end

Remember all those ways we went.

What belongs together, comes together. What breaks, can be healed. 

What loves, is eternal and pretty.

I'll share with you ony of my favorite, sweet quotations. It comes from one of my childhood heroes. I think you know him, and you probably loved him too.

His name is Winnie the Pooh.

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day,

so I never have to live without you.

That's adorable, isn't it? 

Like it's in the movies, there's a happy ending for everyone of us out there, too.

It'll be alright.  We can do anything, like I said. 

Here is all we need:
Dreams, hope, and pixie dust...

With love, 

Kirsten

Some day my prince will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to his castle we'll go
To be happy forever I know

Some day when spring is here
We'll find our love anew
And the birds will sing
And wedding bells will ring
Some day when my dreams come true

- Disney -

Put down all my feelings.

Feelings are there to be expressed. The prettiest things have been created that way, and therefore we should go on, creating more. Some say the best things already are created, but we should try to be just as good at least. You might not become the new Michelangelo, or the new Shakespeare, but you could be just yourself and that should be good enough.

When creating something, I don't think it's about beauty all the time. Sometimes it's rather about dealing with something, or about putting your thoughts and feelings in order.
That's why I keep a diary. I like remembering the funny moments, I like to read back and recall. But what I love, is the moment I write it down. I love to let the day pass and think and philophize about people, things, happenings.
It always makes me calm.

I love how words and images can make a wonderful combination. I can't make the choice. I love writing and literature, books, reading, but on the other hand, what would the world be like without gorgeous images, without visible beauty?

I gave it a new try myself. I took the picture on our garden this Spring, as our magnolia tree was blooming with blossoms. The words come from the story I've been working on for such a long time already.
I hope it will be good enough one day.
How amazing it would be to write an actual book, to be able to hold it, to see the cover with my name on it. It still is a dream, but dreams are to be realised...

 

And eventually, there's the old-fashioned love letter. We write mails, we text, we call. 

Sometimes I feel like I've been born in the wrong time. 

I can just imagine it, a dress, a corset, lockets and curly hair. 

A wild romance, passionate love, all kept secret. 

Maybe I'm making it look more romantic than it really is.

Things are good the way they are, but a little romance would make it even better...

And what's wrong with a occasional love letter?

My dearest love, 

I'm looking forward to the moment 

I can hold you in my arms again. 

I miss the nights we spent together, 

just as the days you were by my side.

I have always loved you, and I will always love you. 

Forever yours,

and with love,
Kirsten

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll mis you

Remember I'll always be true.

And meanwhile I'm away, I'll write home everyday

And send all my loving to you.

I'll pretend that I'm kissing the lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true.

And meanwhile I'm away, I'll write home everyday

And I'll send all my loving to you.

- The Beatles -

Let us tumble through fields filled with flowers

Take my hand, let me hold yours. Take me to all the places that I wonder, to all the places I've never been. Show me all your colors, let me taste the sweetness, and feel it all inside.
Hold me high in your arms, whisper the words I long to hear.
It'll feel like home then, so natural...

Show me how colors fade, watch the sunset on the beach. Let us dive deep under water and see mermaids with shiny tails and braided hair.

Canto el ansia de estatua que persigues sin tregua         
el miedo a la emoción que te aguarda en la calle.
Canto la sirenita de la mar que te canta              
montada en bicicleta de corales y conchas.
Pero ante todo canto un común pensamiento
que nos une en las horas oscuras y doradas. 
No es el Arte la luz que nos ciega los ojos.
Es primero el amor, la amistad, o la esgrima.


I sing your restless longing for the statue
your fear of the feeling that awaits you in the street.
I sing the small sea siren who sings to you
riding her bicycle or corals and conches.
But above all I sing a common thought
that joins us in the dark and golden hours.
The light that blinds our eyes is not art.
Rather it is love, friendship, crossed swords.

From: Oda a Salvador Dalí, by Federico García Lorca

Let the flowers grow wildly, follow their natural paths. It will be as it has to be, and it is as it is.

They'll grow over our heads, reach to the sky. Take me up there, I want to get higher whenever I'm in your arms, as I feel when you stroke my hair. I could lie there in your arms forever, just staring at the sky...

It'll be our own magical place, a place like home. It will be familiar every Spring, when the leaves come back to the trees again and the sun enlightens the world.

There will be flowers everywhere...

It will look like it's been there for a hundred years. Like it belongs there. Maybe it really does. We'll belong in that fairytale world, just like you belong in my arms and my heart belongs to yours.

Now, please, give me space to think, to speculate, to philosophize, and to rearrange my blurry mind. You messed it up completely, and therefore I love you.

Set me free, let me go whenever I feel like going. I need my freedom, I need fresh air to breathe. I wanna fall and tumble and fall again, but I don't want to touch the ground. Make me feel like I'm flying.

But above all, make me even happier than I already was. I can make my own base of luck, I can brew it in my mind, but I need you to complete it. For my own made luck will match your elixir or happiness, mixed up they'll make a sweet venom called love.

Let us search all the forests, the deserts, let us climb every mountain and we'll find all the treasures life made for us. They're there to be discovered.

Oh, what I would give to escape, to run away and explore. 

There's gold in the air and diamonds in the water, and only you and me.

Isn't that enough?
Yes, it is. It's enough for forever. 

With love,
Kirsten

Well on his way, his head in a cloud

The man of a thousand voices, talking perfectly loud.

But nobody ever hears him,

or the sound he appears to make

And he never seems to notice

But the fool on the hill sees the sun going down.

And the eyes in his head see the world spinning around.

- The Beatles - 

It's not much. But it's home.

Long time no post, I know, but somehow, I just wasn't inspired, even though the sun shone. Maybe that was the reason, though, it was too lovely to stay in.
Today it's less sunny, it's been raining for a while, but the sun is starting to come out again.
Perfect for staying in, having a comfortable place to sit and write something, while listening to music. I randomly put on the CD-player and found my mother's ABBA CDs were in it, and it has a certain charm. I especially love the song Our last Summer, because it reminds me of love as it should be: easy, lighthearted and pretty. And I love the scene in Mamma Mia!, when Colin Firth sings it with his guitar on the boat.

But anyway, what I was getting at, was that I'm feeling pretty comfy here. I found the kitchen is a perfect place to be. I love the lightness of it, my sisters's mess that always lies around there and it can be as isolated as you want. Kitchens should have something homey in them, and I think ours does well on that.

I like being at home. I like living. Sometimes I can't wait to design my own place, to create a new home. But then again, the home I have right now is good enough, for now at least.

Home is where I live with my parents and my sisters, where we have fun, where we can sit in the garden, swim in the pool and where we have dinner together. It's where friends and family always have been and always will be welcome, no matter how many they are.

Home is where we sometimes have a total mess, which is not that strange, with six people living there. But we are all trying our best.


Home is where it is warm and soft, where I can hide under the covers, where I can sleep tightly and have the most beautiful dreams.

Home is where it is sweet, and where I know how to use the oven to practise in making perfect cupcakes, where the rooms are filled with the sweet smell of apple pie.

Home is where the little details make the picture complete.

It's where I don't mind walking around in my pajamas, with the shirt inside out, or with messy hair and no make up. They'll love me any way ;-)

Home also is where I'm on my best writing. I've written some things at other places, but it somehow feels too personal to use someone else's "space" for writing. I do best at home, I think, and who could ever feel sorry for that?

I wonder what my own house will be like in a few years. I wonder where I'm going to live, and with who. Of course, I do have some ideas/dreams/fantasies about that, but still...

I wonder if it will be like the place I live in now, or completely different. After all, I also felt great in Peru, which was nothing like home. People are flexible, is all I can conclude from that. And as long as I have friends with me, people I love, I will be able to make the best out of every situation. 

It's the only thing we can do, isn't it?

With love, 

Kirsten

I'd like to be under the sea,
In an octopus's garden in the shade.

We would be warm below the storm,
In our little hide away beneath the waves.
We would sing and dance around,
Because we know we can't be found.

I'd like to be under the sea

In an octopus's garden, in the shade. 

- The Beatles -

Life is a fair, life is a circus, life is a story

Hello there!

This weekend I managed to make some funny photos, using what we have at home and in the garden, and the images from some cooking books. It may sound funny, but you can find such amazing images in there. Most of these are from Jamie's America by Jamie Oliver, but I think any good book will do. It only has to contain some colorful images and it's going to be fine!

I wanted a crazy, colorful thing. I wanted to create the feeling of the blur you can feel when you're dancing and you've had too much to drink and the lights fade into colored lines. I wanted to create the ambience of a fair, the smell of candy flosses and caramel apples. Neon lights wherever you look. Disco music. Laughter.

I wanted something inspiring, too. Someting serious, but still light enough.

Now, if we combine these images with some words, if we combine my love for the visible details with my passion for the written words...

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream in the same simple way as I dream about the black dots representing towns and villages on a map.

 - Vincent van Gogh -

I don’t know if i picked that circus but something told me that circus picked me.

- Water for Elephants -

These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder
Which, as they kiss, consume.

- Williams Shakespeare -

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like no one is watching.

- Mark Twain -

That was all for now. I think it's enough.

With love,
Kirsten

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe.
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box,
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe

Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

- The Beatles -

That does make me oh so happy

Whirling around our bookshelves, seeing what is in the books, finding some inspiration. It's more a decoration than a shelve, it's covered with pictures, little statues, cards, everything.
Some things look like they totally don't belong there, but that makes it an interesting entity.


My old moodboard. Since my room has been renovated, I haven't put it back on the wall again, but I certainly will put it there again. This, too, contains a lot of loose elements, greeting cards, magnets, stickers, window-colours, tickets for concerts, autograph cards, anything I like to put there.

 

Making collages with images from magazines. I have an entire book full now.

Drawing. I like when you want to draw something and it works out well, when you can see what it has to be, and other people understand it.

Photography, my sisters, old anciency in one picture. I love taking pictures, seeing little details no one else sees. I love my sisters. I love seeing pictures in books about old times. Sometimes, I imagine living in that time, being rich, wearing this kind of dresses, and taking secret walks with my lover in the night.

Writing. This is a little part of the story I'm working on the most. I think writing is a perfect way of expressing myself. Words can have wonderful effects if you choose them well. If chosen really deliberately, they can make me smile, make me feel happy, or put a tear down my face.

Seeing what I've written here, I think this post is more about the crave to create things, something I've been feeling a really strong need for lately. I want to make things, and I don't care what it is, a story, a painting, a picture, a mess which is not a mess after all...

If we couldn't express ourselves, what would that be like? Do you know that feeling that you want to tell something, but you don't know how to say it? Would we feel like that all the time then? 

That is something to think about, isn't it? 

With love,
Kirsten

You say you want a revolution
Well you know
we all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be alright
Alright, alright

- The Beatles -