Home alone on Halloween

 

It's been a long time, I know.
Though I should have found the time to write, I've been spending my days realising one of my dreams. It's going so fast, two months have passed and we're going on and on and on, learning, exploring and practising.
I think I've found my place here, or at least I feel fine. I'm meeting new people, doing new things and learning, learning so much.
It's pretty cool to get to know all there is to know about the human body, then looking at your own and realising that every healthy being is a miracle.



You get a completely different view on what you are and what you might be. We're learning to save lives, but also to think about those you can't save.
It's hard to believe that there will be lives depending on what I'll do in a few years. I can't even really realise it now, I've just started.
There is so much more I have to learn...



In the mean time, there is a lot more to discover, apart from study. There are people to get to know, and how much would I like to discover this specific person, body and soul.
I don't understand these feelings, although I do recognise them. I've been in love before, but never at such a distance. I never believed in love at first sight. Now I might be experiencing it.
Then there is the other one, someone who feels wrong and right at the same time. I know I shouldn't do it, yet I do, and before I know I'm head over heels again.
Ghosts from the past shouldn't be hunting anyone. Not today, not tonight, never.

Fortunately, the intelligence of a heart is never questioned in exams...

Happy Halloween.
With love,
Kirsten.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences, they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up

- Jason Mraz -

Like flowers cover themselves for winter

I might be losing it.
Days are long, busy and an overflow of information, of impressions. I hardly can find the time to think, let alone to think about thinking.
My camera is at home, lying on top of the closet, and to my highest shame I have to admit that I don't really miss it here. It feels like there is nothing to take pictures of.
My diary is almost empty.

I'm not sure what I want to say. Like I said, I might be losing it.
But probably it's just one of those moments when I feel misunderstood and down without a reason. I always get over it.
And I'm sure I will this time, too.

With love,
Kirsten

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.
Blackbird, fly.
Blackbird, fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

- The Beatles -

The sea was crystal clear

 

I took a break and flew away from the rain.
My destination was a sunny place where crickets were noisy, the sun burned on your shoulders and flowers were blooming.
It's always an experience to travel, even though I didn't explore a new world this time. You always bring new ideas with you and once you're in a new environment, everything looks completely different...

 

It was a place were you felt you could meet the most fabulous people on the corner of the street. And even if you don't, the place radiates glamour, opportunities, and just the idea it is possible is exciting and thrilling.
It makes you feel that everything is possible, there are no limits and you are free to go your own way.
It's a lovely feeling.



I found little treasures everywhere. If you look closely, things are so much more as they seem at first sight.
For me, that is what life stands for: Everything is beautiful, everything can deceive you and most of all, everything can and should surprise you.
If you wonder about things that seem normal, they usually turn into something very special. It might seem childish, but I think this is a thing which kids should be praised for: their inquisitiveness and their innocent tendency to take nothing for normal, but accept everything as it is without prejudices.



The views of the horizon were great. The idea of the horizon going on forever and leading to new places where new adventures can be survived... it makes me realize I have seen so little of what there is to see and that I want to discover everything there is.
I want to understand, to see, to be a part of it instead of staying here dreaming of what there might be on the other side.
Our fate is to explore, to live and learn to love and be loved and if you never take the chance, you'll never know what there is to find...

 

I love the sea, for it makes me feel free and light as a feather when I feel the waves lifting me up and dropping me down. The salt drying on your skin, the hot sand beneath your feet, the sound of the wind... That's what makes me feel sunny too.
And the idea of swimming towards the horizon, to all these adventures, it's a dream.
But it surely is a lovely one.

Au revoir and with love,
Kirsten

When she was just a girl she expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
And dreamed of para-para-paradise
Everytime she closed her eyes
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night, stormy night she closed her eyes
In the night the stormy night
Away she flied….

- Coldplay -

http://lyricstranslate.com

http://lyricstranslate.com

Summer hasn't even started yet

 

There's been a lot of rain lately. Clouds, storm and wind filled the air for weeks.
No swimming in the pool, no barbeques, no sunbathing.
It has its effect on my mood, too.
My mind is filled with clouds, my feelings are as wild as a midsummer storm. It's the way I used to feel a few months ago, before the illusion of love, when I was happy, single and everything was fine. I'm writing again, poems and stories. The book is still a dream, but who knows...



I have seas of time to create things, do things and have fun. I had loads of picture frames, thousands of pictures, but no time to sort them out and make it something pretty.
Once I found the time again, I started working on it, and I enjoyed doing so. It makes me remember moments filled with fun and joy.
All that it took was just a little time and an idea that came up to my mind a long time ago. Now I made it into something more. It's a living memory.

 

Between those rainy hours and nights, I managed to find a few moments of sunshine.
I think I'm in love again. I got back in contact with someone from the past and it seems that there still might be something left of what I once experienced when I was with him.
Then there is another guy, but his mind is too hard to read to search for intentions or reasons.
I don't really mind. I'm just enjoying the feeling and go wherever it might take me.
It will all be fine, I'm sure.




On some days, I can't even make the tiniest rain shower into something sunny.
I didn't get through the selection for medicine, which took me down pretty hard, but I did some research and there still is a proper chance I'll get a place for this year! And even if I don't get that place, I already found two other studies which will challenge me and offer me nice prospects for the future.
I'll get where I want to be eventually.
And remember, eventually every plant will start to bloom and flowers will show up in places you never expected them.

With love,
Kirsten.


Some days you know it's too hard to look on the bright side
Some days you wanna run from it all, then hide
Sometimes you feel like all that you need is a short break
Some days you feel alone and it's too much to take
Doesn't matter how bad, I know I always have you next to me
Doesn't matter how hard it will be on my heart, I always land on my feet

But what I like about you is that you're all mine
Treat me so fine
Hope we'll always gonna be this way
Your eyes when you smile heal me inside
And you always make a brighter day
When you are not around I'm down in the ground
That's what I like about you and I gotta feeling
I think you kind of like me too

- Sunrise Avenue - 

Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

 

It's incredible how much easier life can get once you let go of the things that hold you back.
It's lovely to notice yourself getting more cheerful and other people saying you look happier than you did.
But the best thing is to remember those times you were really, really happy and felt you could take on the world...

 

It's a crazy thing, I guess, but I've always been the happiest when I was away. I love my home, the known streets and familiar faces, but in a different country, an unknown place, I've always felt great.
The feeling of being anonymous in the city and the feeling of being there with the loveliest people ever mixed up to a great sensation, a time to remember for ever. It's been a while, but it still feels like it could have been just yesterday...

 

It's so easy to blend into the masses and go with the flow, explore new things. In most countries, people will be so nice to you and try to help you with everything you need.
I remember a poor Peruvian family sharing their food with us and crying out of joy when we came to visit them in their house. I felt like I could spend my life in Peru, with these beautiful people.
I remember an Italian lady who came running after me in Rome when I accidentally dropped my cardigan on the street. I could spend every holiday in Rome and still wonder about the beauty.
I remember people in Germany doing everything they could to make us feel good and happy and give us a wonderful summer. I could live there, it felt like home; Ich bin ein Berliner.



I can remember only a few moments where I felt as happy as I did when on one of my travels.
There's nothing like walking a small path, hand in hand with everyone else, and then suddenly seeing Machu Picchu. It was the very same image as on the cover of my guide book and it felt incredible.
There's nothing like the Trevi-fountain at night with your friends, eating gelato and hopping down the streets. We were so close together and we still talk about those crazy moments we had there.
There's nothing like cycling in Berlin at night, when the wind blows through your hair and you see the city lighting up. It felt like we were flying and it was so beautiful. It really felt like being in love...

But eventually, there's nothing like a night out with the friends I've always had either, drinking mojitoes and having fun.
It's not the activity, it's whom you share it with. And I have to say that I have nothing to complain about when it comes to that.
I still love the ones I haven't seen in years. They still feel like close friends. It will always be this way.
Because, once the moment is gone, it's the memory that counts...

With love,
Kirsten

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them al.

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more


- The Beatles -

It will be sparkling like stars

Our love fell apart like broken glass shatters on the floor.
I can't tell where it went wrong exactly. I can remember many moments that were just wrong.
Suspicious minds, angry persons, mean words.
No trust.
I don't know what was the worst. The fact that we started something which we shouldn't have started at all, the fact that we went on for too long after it had died, or all these moments I felt misunderstood.
Maybe it was what you said. I never gave you reasons nor right to say to me what you did.
Now and then the words tumble through my mind. Bitch. Slut. Alcoholic.
It only makes me feel more sorry for your small-minded being than I already did.




Then I called it to a stop.
I'd rather be alone all my life from now on than being with the wrong person and feeling imprisoned.
Maybe our love didn't fall apart eventually.
Maybe I just dropped it, smashed it to the floor, danced on it.



And tell you what?
I haven't felt so good since those all months we spent together.
I finally can enjoy being myself again without hearing you say it was wrong to behave the way I did.
I'm making it up to myself again. I can laugh wholeheartedly, dance around, have a drink or two and wear whatever I want to and no one who tells me to stop.



And I know there will be so many good times ahead. I know there will be lovely moments coming.
I'm not sure what. It could be anything. My mind is open for anything.
There are some things I'd like to happen, people to see again, moments to remember. Who says all of that is impossible? If I can dream it, I can make it.
But most of all, I feel more joy and I'm trying to be a better person again.
I only feel the positive things, and isn't that wonderful...



Now we're over, there is more time for the people that always were there for me. Friends, family, new people to meet, old ones to remember. Parties to celebrates, nights to go out, things to be talked.
People who make me happy and who like spending time with me.
I don't grieve the time we spent together. I learned from it and we had our good moments. I'm not angry. I came out stronger.
And you know what?
You were wrong: I do deserve better.

With love,
Kirsten

Another night and I bleed
They all make mistakes and so did we
But we did something we can never turn back right
Find a new one to fool
Leave and don't look back. I won't follow
We have nothing left it 's the end of our time
We can't cry the pain away
We can't find a need to stay
There's no more rabbits in my hat to make things right

Out of my life, out of my mind
Out of the tears we can't deny
We need to swallow all our pride
And leave this mess behind
Out of my head, out of my bed
Out of the dreams we had, they 're bad
Tell them it's me who made you sad
Tell them the fairytale gone bad

- Sunrise Avenue -

Let's take a walk together

I'm sorry for my long absence. I really am.
I just have a lot on my mind lately.
Finals have started and I have to do well to get a decent shot at being accepted for Medicine. There's nothing I want more, yet I can't do more than I'm already doing, so let's just keep our fingers crossed.
I've found myself in an emotional tornado once again and I took a lot of time to figure out how to solve the problems that were bothering me.
But I think I have found the solution. 

And in the meantime, when there was a moment I could escape from all this, I found some gorgeous things too. I want to take you with me on a trip through my grandparents' garden, a place full of colors and brightness.



It's always a surprise what you will find there this time. Flowers, antiques, paintings or sculptures, it's all there. It is like those little shops where they sell little things for your house which you don't need, but just want. You can wander around every day, and every day you will find something new.




It's like a museum sometimes. Though what I find there isn't the most exquisite art, it is pretty and it makes me want to discover more. That garden reminds me of Rome; the art, the warmth, the memories.
I took some of my first steps there, climbed trees, plucked all the flowers and built cabins with my cousin and my sisters.




It's exactly how I imagine a garden during Summer. Flowers growing everywhere, coming down from canopies like rain, climbing up the walls, overwhelming you with their bright colors and sweet smell.
I just love flowers.



And in the back of this wonderful garden, there's a place you will find when you're past the flowers, went along the trees and the terrace.
Take ten steps north at the big blue flowers. Then take fourteen little hops to the right, five pirouettes forward and keep walking until you found the place you want to be.
X doesn't mark the spot. A home does.

With love,
Kirsten.

This is the life we've been given
So open your mind and start living
We can play a part if we only start believing
This is the life we've been given
So open your heart and start loving
We can make a start if we only learn to listen

Then the crowd began to head for the horizon
A million people walking back to work
But you and me, we just lay down in the garden
Yeah you and me, we just lay down in the garden.


- Take That -

A day in the life

The sun is coming through the clouds sometimes. Every now and then it enlightens us with its warmth and brightness and we go outside for a long walk with the dog or just to get a subtle tan. The sky is clear and blue and birds are singing.



In a few weeks, there will be lambs, chicks, calves, foals. We might go feeding them some clover or just watching them.
It's like there's new life being brought to us as the flowers come back, trees bloom again and temperatures increase.
Maybe it is a good moment to take some time to think things over and clean up your mind...



Everything changes, but it's good to have a stable place to turn to, a familiar voice to talk to and a well-known bed to loose yourself in dreams.
It makes me think of the upcoming months, as it won't be long before we change familiar things for new cities, new studies, new places to live and new people to meet.
Some are going pretty far away, but for me, there's no place like home - for now, at least.

Happy Easter.

With love,
Kirsten.

The wind of change blows straight into the face of time
Like a stormwind that will ring the freedom bell
For peace of mind
Let your balalaika sing
What my guitar wants to say

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams
With you and me
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
In the wind of change

- Scorpions - 

If you're broken I will mend you

I've been wondering about luck.
It's a strange thing to think about. You either have it or not, and probably won't spend much thought on it. I didn't, either. I was perfectly happy following the plans I'd made, dancing through life and laughing all the time.
But suddenly things changed.
And admitting things aren't going according to plan, feels like failing. And I never wanted to fail. I never thought I would. 



It's some kind of melancholy that is taking part of me. It is trying to take my smile away. It's hard to fight these black feelings and if I weren't afraid of losing myself, I would give in.
I still know how to be the way I used to be - careless, happy, spontanious. But I don't know how to be that way without hurting others.
And the worst is people saying they are worried about me, saying they only want me to be happy.
I never wanted to hurt anyone...



But at least, the sun is shining.
And I might figure out some other plans to follow.
I'll land on my feet.
No matter what.

With love,
Kirsten

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

- Eagles - 

I would send you post cards

It has been snowing over here.
No, it was not even snow. It was icy drizzle, prickling your cheeks and sticking on your gloves and coat.
The fields were frozen. Dead foxes, dead flowers, a withe layer covering the earth.
I still feel isolated. My fingers are cold. There's ice in my hair.

There only are few places I can go to escape reality.
There is my mind, where everything is fine again.
There are stories, where I can lose myself in.
And there are my dreams, where it is Summer and we dance together...



In my dreams, everything is fine. There's no need to fight, to run, to be strong there. There are no tears, no broken hearted, no troubled minds.
I'm taken to places I remember. Places I've been. I might have seen more from the world than many others have, but still I feel like I haven't seen a thing. There will always be so many places left, you know. You can't travel the entire world, but how much would I love to go and travel, explore...



Places change, but it might be more than just a place changing.
Maybe it's us changing, while the places stay the same. We grow older, we experience, we live, and as we do so, we learn.
I've seen places I immediately loved, places that felt like home, which is great.
But there have been so many beautiful things which I didn't understand well enough to note. And while thinking back, I realise that I couldn't have loved it then, but that I could if I went back now.
That is one of the things traveling is about, I think: Enjoying while there, then thinking back when home and think again later to find yourself seeing it in a different perspective.
I think that would make sense...



Eventually, time will change everything in us: Perspectives, thoughts, persons. But the places still are the same. Cuzco still has Machu Picchu, Rome still has the Colosseum, Berlin still has remains of the Wall.
But how much I've changed and gained since seeing those places... Some of that came with myself realising there was something that needed to change. Some of it came from actually seeing differences and culture. Most of it came with meeting new people and making friends.
And, according to me, that's the most beautiful thing afterwards: Thinking back and not only seeing the post card-like image of the Eiffel Tower, but seeing your own picture, with a friend posing next to it.

With love, Kirsten

Tell everybody I'm on my way
New friends and new places to see
With blue skies ahead, yes I'm on my way
And there's no where else that I'd rather be.

Tell everybody I'm on my way
And I'm loving every step I take
With the sun beating down, yes I'm on my way
And I can't keep this smile off my face.

'Cause there's nothing like seein' each other again
No matter what the distance between
And the stories that we tell will make you smile
Oh, it really lifts my heart

- Phil Collins -

Let's have a garden party

Summer seems to be so far away...
I miss the smell of flowers, of grass, of strawberries and cherries. Even the sun has a smell; dusty, warm and lovely as it shines on your back, leaving shadows where your clothes are.
I miss the sound of whistling birds, the rustling of papers being turned, the screams of children in the cool water.
I miss sitting in the garden with a glass of sparkling wine, reading a book, feeling the sun warming your shoulders.



In my head, it's warm. I'm sitting in the sun in France, hearing the sound of the sea with sand between my toes. I'm sitting in the garden, having a barbecue party with my friends. I'm sitting on the porch, drinking tea with the ladies.
And at night, we are lying in bed together, clammy because of the heat, waiting for the thunder and the rain to refresh the day.



In my mind, the school year is over and we have all the time of the world to do what we want.
We sing, we dance, we swim and we lie down in the grass.
We travel, we see the world, and at the end, we come home and tell stories.
It's sweet, coming together at the end of the summer.
It's good to see how we changed and still are the same.
How we grew, experienced, saw.
How we remembered, missed and came back to our own lifes eventually.
Because there's nothing like home...



And after a few weeks, a few months, we all are together in class again, talking, laughing and having fun.
But I think that time is over when this school year ends.
There are new things waiting for us.
University, new cities, new friends.
Living on your own, going to college, becoming indepentant.
Growing up...

But before that time, we'll go through some things together. And even when we have parted, we still will be together. At least, in my mind we will.
'Cause in my mind, there is an eternal end of Summer...

With love,
Kirsten


I can still recall our last summer, I still see it all.
Walks along the Seine, laughing in the rain,
Our last summer, memories that remain.

We made our way along the river
And we sat down in the grass by the Eiffel tower.
I was so happy we had met, it was the age of no regret, oh yes.
Those crazy years, that was the time of the flower-power.
But underneath, we had a fear of flying,
Of getting old, a fear of slowly dying.
We took the chance like we were dancing our last dance

I can still recall our last summer, I still see it all
In the tourist jam, round the Notre Dame
Our last summer, walking hand in hand 

- ABBA -

Dreams

I remember some moments of magic. The kind of moments when you wouldn't find yourself wondering if it started snowing glitter and stars suddenly.
It is the kind of moments time passes in a strange way. Faster, slower, faster again, and then it seems like it has stopped passing, just before it runs forward again.
You just can't put your finger on it, but something is special...



One moment comes, and then it's gone before you know it. But before it's gone, it's followed immediately by another. It's all put to order perfectly.
One laugh follows to another, one word flows into more words and you're dancing and floating and soaring over and through and in it.



It's the feeling you can do anything, be anyone, go anywhere.
And sometimes, just sometimes, it's not just a feeling, it's a fact.
You close your eyes and when you open them, you're at the beach in Saint-Tropez with diamonds and pearls in your hair. You close them again and suddenly you're watching yourself on a billboard at Broadway, everyone knowing your face.
Another blink and you're staring in a mirror, seeing yourself wearing the most beautifull dress you've ever seen, looking like a moviestar.



And suddenly, you blink for another time, and then you're all alone.
The sun rising in the sky, and there's only you, wearing nothing but underwear and your hair's a mess. There still is sparkling polish on your finger and toenails, there's a smudged line of eyeliner under your eyes. Your feet still hurt from the highest heels, your lips still show a hint of the red lipstick you wore, your dress lying on the chair across from your bed.
It's gone now, but there must have been something...



You're left with nothing but memories coming back to you slowly and a satisfying feeling.
Memories of how you danced, sung, laughed.
Images in your head of how you felt wonderful, beautiful, happy.
The feeling you're body was working on endorhins and sparkling champagne rather than on oxigen. Your head feeling light and nothing seemed to matter.

It must have been a wonderful night, and a lovely dream.
It seems like it's gone forever, but...



I want to invite you to a magical blur.
I want to take you to a place filled with miracles, with glitter and stars.
A place where everything is better, prettier, more for a while.
Enter it, be there for a moment, spend some time feeling wonderful and having fun. Dance, whirl around and enjoy.
Then leave.

It will bring great memories of even greater moments.
And with some good luck, there's a picture on the wall to bring it all back to you whenever you want.
'Cause eventually, it's just what it is without your fantasy...

With love,
Kirsten

I close my eyes and dream about a sunny holiday
I wish that I was beachin' down in Saint Tropez.
Or sitting in the lobby at the fabulous Pierre
With diamonds on my fingers and not a single care.

Instead I'm on the Avenue where nobody goes
With fields of green that wilted like a last summer rose.
Some people call it paradise, but I call it pain
Baby take me anywhere, but not here again.

Why am I sitting in the middle of nowhere?
Standing here with nothing to do
Wondering if I really love you, oh oh,
I guess that I do.

- Caro Emerald -

Floating through the sky

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas this year.
Lots of joy, pleasure and love. A good time with your family. The prettiest Christmas tree.
Everything you wished for and more.



I hope you celebrated and had a gorgeous New Year's Eve yesterday night, and that you can look back to a great year.
I had a party with some friends and we talked for a while about last year. It made me think of some special 2011-moments.

I did a lot of travelling, saw so many places I never saw before and fell in love with in.
Rome, with all the art, the buildings, the Italian ambiance, and all my friends from school. Secretly smoking cigarettes in the bathroom of our hotel room when we felt down the last day, talking and sharing our problems. The blisters on my feet from walking all day long for a week. The sun, the Colosseum, the Trevi-fountain.

Germany, a four week-trip from Bonn to a tiny town, from Munich to Berlin. How good it felt to see the sun again in Munich after two weeks of rain. How Berlin was pretty in both sunlight and rain. Cycling in Berlin, the wind blowing through my hair on a summer's evening, with people from all over the world. The museums, the busy days, and above all, the people.

And there were so much more lovely moments. Too much to mention. The year feels complete.
Eventually, this must be somewhat the same for everyone. We all had some good and some bad moments, but I hope there were more of the good ones.
And if you look back to the bad memories, I hope you notice you've learned something from them and have grown stronger.



Now all we have to do is looking forward. A new year, new chances, new possibilities.
New plans to make, new dreams to fulfill, new goals to achieve.
There are so many things waiting for me: My eighteenth birthday, graduation, the final-dance. Letting go of my high school friends, university, my driver's licence. A summer holiday to the south of France with my parents, sisters, my sister's sweetheart and my own.

I'm sure not everything will go according to plan.
But to be honest... It would be boring, and I would not want it any other way.
Happy new year.

With love,
Kirsten

Here’s to us one more toast and then we’ll pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summer’s over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor I’m to blame when all is said and done.

It’s so strange when you’re down and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more
Clear-headed and open-eyed
With nothing left untried
Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There’s no hurry any more when all is said and done.

- ABBA -